doctor portal

So I email my doctor through this portal thing in order to find out my results from my culture last week. I ask if the results are in, if it’s staph or herpes, and what I should do to treat it. I also ask about my medication and when I can take it again.

I get a response back from NOT my doctor and the message said “the results came back negative. Hope it’s feeling better.”

Bitch, is that what i asked? No. I asked for information, not a pissoff response. It came back negative? For what? So I’m not pregnant? Cool. Also, what the fuck are you telling me “I hope it feels better” for? I don’t know you bro! And I was super formal and profesh  in my message and you send me that shit? I don’t know you like that. Are you some lackey that mans the phones? Are you a doctor? Are you a nurse? Do you have any degree? Did you ever take a communication class or seminar? Just because it’s online doesn’t mean you act like this is Facebook. Not cool, bro. Not cool.

I have this feeling that things aren’t ok. If that’s the case and you just don’t want to talk to people, press one. If that is the case and you want me to try to cheer you up by telling you a story from the bar last night, press two. If you DO want to talk about it, press the pound key. If I’m totally wrong and you’re fucking fantastic, press three. If you’ve been kidnapped please hang up and call batman and/or patience.

how we fight.

  • me: I still am on the first dark chocolate bar you gave me.
  • andy: I've had at least 2 since then and I didn't even really like dark chocolate.
  • me: …How?
  • andy: Because no man likes dark chocolate, read an encyclopedia once in awhile, sheesh
  • me: We must be reading different encyclopedias. I don't read the one written by pussies.
  • andy: I think it's general knowledge, I was just trying to make you not feel bad for not knowing it.
  • I googled "only women eat dark chocolate?" and google just replied "correct"
  • me: That's interesting. Because I googled "women who eat dark chocolate" and it said "did you mean Andy Delapp?"
  • andy: That's funny because I googled "is Freyja a bitch?" and it said "No, she's a bitch-and-a-half!"
  • me: I asked cha-cha "what's the appropriate amount of time to wait before responding?" and it told me "He's a dick so it doesn't matter. He won't feel bad either way."
  • But bonus points for working that phrase into conversation.